Morning Madness

How is it that the two people you love most in the whole world have the ability to drive you mad on a regular basis? You love them. You would lay down your life for them. Need a kidney? I've got 2. Shirt off my back? Take it. Honestly, you would literally walk
to the ends of the Earth and back for them. Why then, do they take me to a place that I don't want to go?
When school started this year, I made myself a promise. I vowed to be prepared the evening before each school day so that I didn't project my stress onto the children. I aspire to be Donna Reed, but more often than not I pale in comparison to Rosanne. It's an absolute challenge to get everone out the door each morning. The children are somewhat self-sufficient. They brush their own teeth, dress themselves and can even prepare a minimal amount of breakfast items. What's the problem you ask? They are brother and sister.
They love and hate each other simultaneously with a passion that can only be described as religious. It's infuriating!! One minute they are fine, giving each other flash cards at the breakfast table---the next, they are calling each other names as physically fighting. AHHHHH!!!!
I try to hold onto my temper, but more often than not they get the worst of me and I end up making someone cry before school which then ends up setting the tone for the day. I know that this is part of being siblings and Lord knows I did my share of fighting with my brother, but I can't take it anymore!!! HELP!!!!

Movie Review: Just Wright

You know, I do love a good sports movie...this ain't one of 'em.

But wait, what it lacks in recreational wonder (i.e. "Glory Road", "Remember the Titans", even "Varsity Blues") it more than makes up for in plus-size splendor.

The premise is this: Queen Latifah is a physical therapist who ends up rehabilitating the most famous point guard in the game played by rapper, Common. Her gold-digging cousin manages to snag the star through a few lies and some crafty manipulation, but leaves him when he gets injured and his career is in jeopardy. Through the rigors of physical therapy the therapist and the athlete become great friends and eventually take their relationship to another level. But everything changes when the opportunistic ex-fiance makes her way back into the picture.

I won't tell you how it ends because that's no fun, but I will say that it's a movie and everyone loves a happy ending. The reason I like this movie is because it's nice to see the "big" girl get the stud for once. Good times. Two thumbs UP!!!

Mind Boggler: Curse you Mo' Fo'

I'm not much of a curser, cusser, potty-mouth, what have you, but I don't mind to hear it...in certain context, apparently. I was walking past the detention center today, :) on my way back from lunch when I overheard a phone conversation. From what I could gather, the person on the other end of the phone was delivering some news to the "disgruntled" man on my end. His voice kept getting louder and louder and the more he talked the more aggitated he became. So in a matter of, let's say 20 steps, I heard confusion, indignation, anger and then yes, profanity.

Now, when I heard him say that he would "be all up in a mother f@%#er's face", I literally cringed. Part of me was expecting this outburst because of the tone and escalation of the phone call, but when he actually did it, I was momentarily paralyzed from shock that he just said that basically in my ear because I was a mere 10 feet from him.

Anyway, after my initial shock I thought about the fact that I'm not offended when I hear such things on television, or read it in a book, or listen to it in a book on disc. Why then does it offend me in person? Ridiculous, right? The Hangover is my funny movie standard. My measuring stick, if you will, for funny. "How was the movie? Was it funny?" My response, "Funny, yeah. 'Hangover' funny, no. Not even close." This is because that since having seen "The Hangover", I haven't seen a funnier movie. Anyway, this movie is filled with the 'F' word. So much so that you become numb to it and don't even realize that they just said it again! So, why am I such a prude? Boggles the mind, don't it?

Dog Days of ... Never!!

This Christmas, we welcomed home an 18lb lab/golden retriever puppy named Madeline, Maddie for short. She is a beautiful and smart dog that anyone would be happy to say they owned. Unless, you're me.

My daughter, Avery, the cute one there in the pic with the glasses, has wanted a dog for as long as I can remember. Obsessively so. I have always told her "no", we are not voluntarily getting another mouth to feed and butt to wipe. I refuse. But my father-in-law had other ideas.
You see, he has 4 "yappers" at home. One poodle, aka the ugliest, most annoying dog God ever gave life to, and 3 yorkies. The kind that look like Cousin It. Disgusting. They are freaky. It's as if the wigs and Mona's House of Hair came to life and are now free to roam around the house yapping and sniffing and licking and crapping and peeing and...I digress. Anyway, the point is, he didn't get my point. He thought that it would be a wonderful idea to get the kids a dog. "Every kid needs a dog. It's a rite of passage in childhood." Puh-lease. I did not have a dog growing up and I am a well adjusted adult. Thank you very much.

So, I learn of this dog about 3 weeks before Christmas and am then put in the position of being a total 'B' and denying my children this momentous event in their young lives. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever. But after some soul-searching and prayer and just pretty much getting over myself and all my reservations, wants and sanity, I agree. However, the conditions were this: the kids take excellent care of the dog, or she goes back to Papaw, the dog costs me no more than a couple hundred dollars for shots, wormer and fixing, or she goes back to Papaw, the dog becomes a live-in terrorist and she will...GO BACK TO PAPAW!! So, all of the parties involved agreed to my terms and...lo and behold, I actually began to get excited for this new arrival. Mind you, I was accepting this critter, sight unseen.

The kids finally get the dog and I'm thinking that I might end up in the emergency room later that evening when my daughter goes into cardiac arrest. She screamed and turned the color of an overripe tomato. I have never seen her so excited. She couldn't believe that even though Santa had failed her, Papaw came through and got her a dog. He also bought them new bikes, clothes and toys. Ahem, somebody wanted to be Papaw #1 for a change and he succeeded.
I expected some turbulence at first. After all, the dog is just a baby, really. There would no doubt be some accidents, but I had prepared myself for the worst. So, the first few days go as I had anticipated. She does her business in every room of the house and I am at my wits end when finally, she gets it. After given some tips from a few friends, we actually trained her a bit. She sleeps through the night and she rings a bell at the door when she needs to go out and stops doing something when I tell her 'no'. I'll give it to her, she is one smart girl.

Now, here's how stupid I am. I have control issues and this dog doesn't get that. She doesn't know that I am on a schedule and I need her to get up in the morning and pee and poop and eat and leave the rest of us alone. She refuses to get on board with this routine and it is driving me nuts. When I take her out because she has just wrung the bell for the hundredth time in a matter of an hour, she should just drop it like it's hot and get back in the house. I mean, after all, it is 20 degrees outside and there seems to constantly be snow to trek through. But, no. She wants the grand tour of the yard during each outing. Why does she need to sniff around for 20 minutes just to drop a load or pee? Really?! Come on already!! I figure on average she wastes about 47 minutes of my life that I can never get back. And then there is the ringing of the bell just to go outside. She is abusing the bell and I want to abuse her!! It chaps my tale to get all wrapped up in my winter weather gear just to go outside and stare at the streetlight. And the worst part is that I find myself telling the dog off during these wasted moments. I think that I am a reasonably intelligent person, but I have, on more than one occassion, loudly and forcefully enunciated the word "potty" in hopes that she'll just freaking pee. Did some insane part of my brain think that if I spoke more clearly she would squat and get it over with?

She's a bitch but, the kids love her. Absolutely love her and I will admit that she is probably the cutest dog I've seen. I'm just waiting for the day when she is content with lying around with no desire to exist for hours on end and only pees 3 times a day. I suppose at that point the children will be in college and there will be no need for her presence. Ain't that the way...

Film Festival: Off the Beaten Box Office

I love movies. Funny ones, romantic ones, action packed-blow stuff up ones, but not scary ones. If I were to host a film festival, these would be on the marque:


1. LARS & THE REAL GIRL


You absolutely cannot go wrong with Ryan Gosling. I believe he is probably the best actor of our generation. No matter what role he plays, he is fantastic. The character of Lars is no exception. It is my fave Ryan Gosling flick and that's saying a lot because I LOVE the Notebook. He is beyond charming as the anti-social younger brother of a father-to-be and his young bride. When Lars comes home with a blow-up sex doll he believes to be real, hilarity ensues. The way his family and the community usher Lars through his psychotic episode is endearing and inspiring.

2. DEATH AT A FUNERAL


I listen to Bob & Sheri on the radio most mornings and I trust Lamar's judgement on movie reviews. He was reviewing the American version of Death at a Funeral and said that it was funny, but it paled in comparison to the original British version. After seeing both for myself, I have to agree whole-heartedly. I don't know if it's their accents or the subtlety with which they deliver lines, but I'm telling you now that I didn't see a funnier movie all summer. If I were Lamar, I would give it a 'six pack'!!

3. JUNO

Ellen Paige
+ Michael Cera

+ Jason Bateman

= Cinematic Perfection

I would like to start a petition to get Ellen Paige a guest spot on Glee as Sue Sylvester's long lost child. She is so dry and witty. i just love her delivery, no bun...er, pun, intended. I just like the way this movie depicts a teenage pregnancy. It doesn't always have to be an "after school special" scenario. Life worked out alright for everyone in the end. It doesn't always, but it can.

4. LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE

Family road trip to get a very cute, very naive, very loved little girl to a pageant. Along the way, they experience a loss that would have any other family tucking their tails and running home. You fall in love with every member and you are inspired at the end to love people for who they are despite your differences. Though I thoroughly enjoy the character played by Steve Carrell, I actually liked the teenage son the most. He spends the majority of the movie hating everyone in his family and having little to no respect for his parents. He won't even bother himself with speaking to a single member of the family. However, by the end of the trip, he comes to realize that he is right where he belongs. Delightfully entertaining.