Lesson Learned

So, I am taking a cue from my fab friend, Jessi (Notes From a Scattered Mind), and starting a weekly post. I feel like life is a journey and if you aren't learning something then you aren't paying attention.

I realized last week that my world operates on a "black and white" color wheel and that "gray" is my least favorite color. Gray scares me because it seems to have no boundaries. It comes in and colors everything that you can't define or comprehend.

Last Friday, I got the phone call that rocked my world. My mother called to say that my 81 year old grandfather, whom ,for reasons I won't go into, I was not very close to, shot and killed himself. He had been in pain for some time and decided that he was done.

I knew my grandfather my entire life, but didn't know him at all. That doesn't make sense, but it is what it is. We had nothing in common and he lived a life that I couldn't understand. Still, I know that he cared about me and in my own way, I cared very deeply for him.

Because of our luke-warm relationship, I imagined that when he passed I would be sad, but I could handle it. Life is a cycle and his would come to an end. He had lived a long life and every minute of it was spent on his terms, no one else's. So sad, yes, but tragic, no.

When I arrived at his house that day, I was overwhelmed by the reality of what had happened.

Months ago, he had come to me and told me that he was willing to help me with my first venture into politics. He would support me and tell all of his friends. He was very well-known and would have had a lot of influence. But his health was failing him and he was unable to do much to help. But, I was just so touched by the offer that it didn't matter that he couldn't follow through.

On a side note, the whole election thing was an enormous emotional and spiritual struggle for me where I doubted my intentions and God's plan for me. At one point, I convinced myself that perhaps the reason God wanted me to run was that it gave my grandfather and myself a common goal. Something we never had before. But I always believe that it is more than that. My purpose of teaming with him had to be greater than just some stupid election. I was there to be a witness for God. To plant that seed and pray that it grew. My husband went and spoke to him once while he was in the hospital and it didn't go well. He wouldn't hear of anything dealing with his salvation. "Just cremate me and forget it," he had told my mom. So, after such a reaction we stopped trying, but didn't stop praying.

I only saw him two more times after that. Allowing my daily life to get in the way of what was actually important- his eternal life. I know that I couldn't have made him see anything that he didn't want to, but what if I had tried just once more?

That day, at his house, I pulled up to find the police, coroner, my great-aunts and my mom. I walked toward the house believing that I was strong enough to handle all of what was happening, but the closer I got the harder it was to breathe. I lost control and cried for the better part of an hour.

Even now, I wonder what I grieved. So much to be sorry for. Sorry that I didn't visit him more. Sorry that I didn't try a little harder to get close. Sorry that he wasn't the man I had needed him to be all of my life. Sorry that I wasn't the granddaughter he always wanted. Sorry that our family has a tear in the fabric that has grown larger every day since my grandmother died. Sorry...that I couldn't see the forest for the trees. I love God very much and I work hard to put him first in everything that I do. Sometimes I can't see the soul for the sin. The sin is right there in my face threatening to touch my life somehow so I turn away and I don't know how to deal with the person that just needs me to show them love and understanding. It is something that I struggle with every day. How is it that this man was adored by so many, except me?

If he had died of natural causes, I may have been able to get it together and move on more easily, but the fact that he decided when it was all over is hard for me to understand. The realization that he may be burning in hell is more than I can bear at times. What bothers me the most is the wondering of what his last moments were like. Did he cry out to God? Did he think about past regrets or what he wished we knew? Or didn't he regret anything he had every said or done to those that he "loved"?

Sadly, I'll never know. And for the first time in my life, I have found something that I really don't know how to pray for. Just for peace, I guess. God knows my heart even if I can't express it. I am getting better about accepting the situation with each day, but it will probably always be in the back of my mind. Wondering about what could or should have been.

P.S. When we were going through his belongings that day, we found a Certificate of Baptism. He promised to live his life for the Lord when he was 16 years old. Though I never witnessed any kind of relationship he may have had with God, it gives me hope that maybe he found it for a few minutes just before he was gone.

Rated "G"lee for Adults

Okay, so I absolutely love Glee. It is the funniest show I have seen on tv since Friends. Seriously, it combines humor, music and teen angst in a way that no other show has or will. From the very first episode, I was hooked. GENIUS!! The kids on that show are top notch comedic performers. They have timing talent to say the least. They can all sing, or so we are led to believe. None of them are what I would call indescribably beautiful, but they are pretty enough to keep you watching yet generic enough to make you feel as though you can relate. Teen shows in the past have targeted kids with their over the top lifestyles (O.C.), gorgeous actors (90210), or the "little fish in a big pond" premis (Time of My Life- short lived but cute Jennifer Love Hewitt spin-off from the contrived drama Party of Five). Might I just take a moment to say, that I watched all of these pretty faithfully except for The O.C. It came on after I developed a mind of my own and refused to waste my time on anorexic, morally handicapped children with lacking parental authority. But Glee transcends all of that stereotypical teenage crap and embraces it all at the same time!!

Also, I have to get my Sue Sylvester fix every Tuesday night at 9pm. The combination of the writing and her delivery is UNBELIEVABLE. Might I just go ahead and start the campaign for a Jayne Lynch Emmy? She deserves it people.

Alright, so, I love my Glee, right? But the thing is, that it started out a somewhat family show. My kids love the music. We have both soundtracks and they love them. We sing them all the time, but I am afraid that the subject matter has gotten beyond my ability to filter and explain.

Problem Characters for me
Kurt - How do you make a 6 & 7 year old understand why Kurt acts the way he does without explaining that he likes boys? I don't know. Tell me. I need answers. I respect all the struggles that Kurt goes through with his dad, but come on EVERY episode? Really?!?! He is so flamboyant that he should just get a job on that crappy teen drama "Degrassi"!

Puck - Self-absorbed, opportunist with enough testosterone to believe that he can repopulate the earth should we need him to, a walking STD

Santana - the girl version of Puck but catty and there are no words to describe how shallow she is, absolutely no redeeming qualities

Britney - stupid and promiscuous, that's about it, there is no one upstairs

Quinn - pregnant, for one, a liar for two, and she is seemingly out for revenge on Rachel, however, she does have moments of kindness and maturity that are heart warming and sweet, albeit few and far between

Mr. Schuster- My fave character from the beginning, and still is most of the time, but WHY did he have to go and mess around behind Emma's back? Why, why...WHY!?!?! He slipped a few notches on my moral measuring stick. Emma has this "condition" that she is trying to work through to be with him and he goes and plays her like that...WWWHHHYYYY!!!!

Jacob- obsessed with Rachel and has said more than once that he "just wants to get in her panties"

(I complain, but I love all these characters. They are the jigsaw pieces that make up the extraordinary puzzle we know as the Glee Club. New Directions ROCKS!!!!!)

None of the other characters have really presented a problem for me, but obviously there is too much adult content for the kids to watch anymore. We tivo it and watch it before we let the kids watch it so that we know where to fast forward, but there is less and less of the show that they can actually watch. We didn't let them watch a single second of the MADONNA episode.

So, remember me when you're watching Glee and something completely ianppropriate happens such as, gay talk, backstabbing, sexting, or pretty much everything else and you are laying on the floor in stitches. I am squirming in my seat b/c my 7 year old is sitting beside me with her blanket and baby doll!!! The children are going to be officially cut off!!

WTF...Why the Fussin?..er, um,..Cussin?

So, occasionally, I am compelled to use a lesser form of communication known as cussing.

I am not proud of it, but I admit that it does happen. I am an emotional cusser. Anger is the catalyst for most of the cussin' that escapes my lips. However, sometimes I find it hard to tell a joke or say something funny without some sort of expletive.

I am ashamed.

Don't get me wrong, I never say the really bad curse words. I just use the little 5 cent ones, ya know? Yet, I have said "WTF" more times than I can count, which really is the same as cussin', b/c everyone knows exactly what you mean. Why not just say it? Or have you ever said, "Son of a hmmm" or "What the hmmm" (imagine a grunt or high pitched squeak in place of the hmmm)? Does that count?

Oy vey.

I've got to watch it. I have two little kids that have highly selective hearing. My daughter walks around saying "Son of a Nutcracker", which is odd in and of itself, but we all know the intention of the expression. My kids are super excited when there is a cuss word in a song b/c all bets are off and they know that I can't punish them for repeating something that I am voluntarily allowing them to hear. We used to listen to a song quite frequently that said the word "damn" and my kids would say nearly every time we got in the car, "Can we listen to that cuss song?"

Looking back over my blog, I believe I have used the word "ass" in every post. This realization makes me sad. I once heard Will Smith say that the reason he doesn't use profanities in his music is b/c his grandmother once told him that "only ignorant people can't find better words to express themselves" or something like that. Anyway, it stuck with me, but obviously there are times that I fall into the ignorant category.

It is weird b/c I don't let the words slip. There is a nanosecond hesitation in which I think, "Is it really necessary to cuss at this juncture?", but I say it anyway. I'm not one of those people who just blurt it out unaware. I know what I'm doing and somehow do it anyway. Must be the rebel in me. No drinkin', druggin', or just plain ol' disorderly conduct, but the occasional cuss word keeps my persona "edgy". I have a rep to maintain people. But I do need to watch myself.

So, I pledge to all...4 of you and to myself that I will show some restraint when it comes to my potty mouth!!

O Brother, Where Art Thou Stories?

Okay, so I have this fantastic, um, er...well, great brother. LOL No seriously, he's awesome!! He is smart, athletic, talented, FUNNY like you wouldn't believe and just fun to be with. I love him dearly and he tells the best stories, but you have to listen, because he's only going to say it once.

I beg and beg him to tell me stories, which seems weird, because it's not like these stories hold some secret to our family's past or life changing facts that I need to be reminded of, they are just these funny things that would happen only to him. (I am thinking of one right this minute and can barely type from giggling!!)

If you know him, ask him (very politely) to tell you a story, because he is a great storyteller. He can make a very simple story into a roller coaster ride of comedy without much effort. It is a gift. He doesn't realize that he possesses such talent, but I can see it. Really, he should write a memoir. It would be a best seller. If Bob Newhart can do it, why can't my brother (who shall remain nameless to protect his identity)?

Those of you who know him..which would be anyone who reads this blog b/c I only have 4 followers and three of them are actually his family and the other one goes to church with us...should ask him to tell the story about the "Fat Lady on His Car" or my personal fave, "The First Time He Went Skiing". It will have you rolling in the floor. Guaranteed.

Alas, he shares none of these stories with me. I ask him from time to time to tell me a story that I've heard before and he dismisses me as though I were a rodent asking for a crumb. If you are ever lucky enough to hear an original tale from him...cherish it always, as it will never fall upon your ears again.